Addiction is a family disease. Its impact is so powerful, it shapes the reality of everyone who comes in contact with it, even (or especially!) when no one knows it’s there.
Addiction shows up in the family via distorted roles, rules and communication patterns, designed to help cope with chaos and/or lack of safety. The distortions created by addiction show up in spouses, siblings, parents and children. Unless these distortions are actively challenged, they continue to live in the family and create new generations of addicts.
Some of the ways these distorted roles, rules and communication patterns show up are demonstrated by the following beliefs:
- I must be strong. Feelings make you weak.
- The truth often upsets people; it’s better to be nice.
- It’s not safe to ask for what I want.
- I need to manipulate to get what I want.
- If you hurt me, then I am taking care of myself when I hurt you back.
- Yelling, swearing, hitting or threatening to leave are acceptable ways to get my needs met.
- It’s better to adapt to chaos than to challenge it.
- Mistakes should be avoided at all costs.
- Never admit a mistake.
- The best defense is a good offense.
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Addiction supports itself in the family by these distorted beliefs which are accepted as reality. No one questions the value of avoidance as the preferred tool to manage conflict, or lying as a way of protecting one’s vulnerable self. No one talks about their shame or fear.
The impact of addiction on the family does not necessarily show itself in out-of-control drinking, drugging or other identifiable behaviors. Oftentimes the behavior is hidden, or hasn’t yet reached the stage where it is visible. Sometimes it is just the addictive “message” — the distorted roles, rules and communication patterns — that are carried into the family by hyperviligant adult children who have adopted repression or control as a way to manage feelings. Unhealed family trauma, such as death, chronic illness or war can also overwhelm the family system and create similar distortions.
If your family has been impacted by addiction, it is important to make sure everyone is treated, not just the addict.
